It was a dark and stormy night. Doctor Contentmarkëting, CMO of the Frankenstein Group™, stood inside the tallest tower of Castle Specwork and gazed upon his latest creation.

It was a horrific assemblage of parts, scavenged from the darker corners of the internet. Code snippets without consistent indenting. A bit of PHP from a downvoted answer on StackOverflow. An entire interface comprised of unskinned jQuery UI components.

“Why? Why would you do such a thing?” cried the doctor’s prisoner, a naïve young designer who’d had the gall to stand by his principles. His blue beanie hung lifelessly from his head. “This creation of yours is an atrocity.”

“Is it? Or will it be one of the most effective lead generation tools the world has ever seen?”

The prisoner shuddered as the doctor sewed yet another dark pattern into his unnatural brainchild — a free trial form that would automatically charge the user’s credit card as soon as the trial ended.

“No, you can’t!”

“Oh, but I can!” cackled the doctor. A Thunderbolt™ cracked overhead, as if for emphasis, as the evil genius added a Twitter sign-in form that would spam all the user’s friends.

“But… but… I can’t even tell what platform this is going to be built on! Is that… Hubspot?”

The doctor smiled his malevolent smile. “Better,” he said. “It’s Sharepoint.”

[cut to black]

"Our designer also took a crack at it. Can we somehow combine the two?"

"Can you also make _____ above the fold?"

It's not possible to put everything above the fold.

Could you just add some #ux to the finished product

Why is your price so high? My nephew said he could it for $500.

Since no one said it yet:

"Make the logo bigger"

I want it to work like Facebook, but also work like Twitter. Can you do it in 2 weeks?

"What if we bought a theme and had you customize it? Would that save on costs?"

"No, it doesn't pay, but it'll look GREAT in your portfolio!"

I don't like it, paint it red - http://cl.ly/image/1p1E0Q2M1Y2Y/client-wants-change.gif

"make a few versions and we'll vote on which design we like best"

These comments are frightening. I think I have PTSD from previously working with clients. Scary feels.

"Could you fit in a QR code somewhere?"

"What if we bought a theme and had you customize it? Would that save on costs?"

"We'd like you to incorporate the stock photography we bought 10 years ago. We paid a lot for it then and the CEO really likes it."

Yellowish early computers and stacks of coins communicate a cutting edge company apparently.

"I know we didn't technically pay your last invoice, but we have a great, huge new project that you'd be perfect for. Can you send us a quote?... within the next 30 minutes?"

um... no.

MD: "We can't afford that software. Just get it from the Pirate Bay."

"Ah, ah, I almost forgot... I'm also going to need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too. We, uhhh, lost some people this week and we sorta need to play catch-up. Mmmmmkay? Thaaaaaanks."

"I need you to design a logo and an app for my cat pajamas startup. We can't afford to pay you right now but it is going to be huge. We think .015% equity and the exposure will ultimately be more valuable than anything we could pay you."

I don't think these two pictures (that I gave you) tell a story by the way you're placing them. Can you switch them around.

"We want to move into an ios app. We were thinking of launching in three weeks. How fast can you get it running. Also you'll need to buy the equipment and we have a budget of $3000"